Update on Bryanne/Baby Situation

I had my surgery follow-up appointment this morning, and just thought I'd share that everything went well and what point we are now at...

I will finish the post-op medicines Dr. Nelson prescribed in about two weeks, and then soon after that Josh and I will be able to start trying for another baby. As I think I mentioned before, Dr. Nelson is going to put me on a fertility drug and baby aspirin in addition to the progesterone she put me on with this pregnancy, in hopes that it will help keep me from miscarrying next time. The bonus is she said the fertility drug increases our chances of having twins by 5-10%, and that it has been her experience that when women who have multiple losses then do the fertility drug "God gives them twins". :) Amen! I will take twins! :) I told her anything up to eight at a time would be fine; I think the lady who had eight is a little crazy, but anything less than that, and we're good to go--- we want lots of babies; if I get them a few at a time, so be it! :) (Josh sat pretty quietly during this part of the conversation--- he's a one-at-a-time type of guy!)

Anyway, the good news is the tests she ran before my surgery to see if there might be a specific reason I have been miscarrying came back fine--- she said I seem really healthy. If I do lose the next baby, though, she said she will send me to an infertility doctor in Jackson, Mississippi. But, we are going to believe everything will be fine next time, even though I know we will struggle with being a nervous wreck the entire time!!

Anyway, I would like to ask our family and friends to pray for us to get pregnant without delay and with a healthy baby.

We really appreciate the love you have shown us and thank you for the prayers on our behalf!

No Other Motivation Needed!

Today was Emily's first day of school! Mama is so happy to be homeschooling her!

There will be much more information posted as soon as I get a chance about Emily's first day, including some super-sweet pictures where my baby girl looks so grown up, but for now I couldn't wait to post what she told me two different times as we did school together. On her own, out of the blue, she said (twice):

"Mom, you are the best teacher ever!"

If that alone isn't enough motivation to homeschool, I don't know what is! :)

We had a great day. :)

The Last Word

My baby may be in Heaven instead of here, but My God still had the last word.

Listen to this song, Stay by Jeremy Camp, and you will hear my heart.

Emily Starts Preschool Monday!

On Monday morning, Emily will start Preschool with Mama!

Both Emily and I can barely contain our excitement!

I have done a lot of research and also consulted a good friend (thanks, Sarah!) and the main curriculum I will be using is called "Five in a Row". Interested grandparents may go to their website to learn more :) :

http://www.fiarhq.com/

This curriculum will be our main source for Social Studies, Language Arts, Art, Applied Math, and Science.

I will supplement with things of my choosing, as well as teach Emily Bible, Phonics/Reading and Handwriting.

I will not begin her formal math education yet... but, when Grammy comes to visit, she will be expected to give mini-lessons! :)

Grandparents (and Aunts and Uncles), we would love for you to know what Emily is learning and will post things here to keep you updated. Also, expect samples in the mail as we go along! :)

The Five in a Row curriculum is a literature-based curriculum, and we will probably spend the recommended one week on each book (unit). Our first book is The Story About Ping by Marjorie Flack and Kurt Wiese. Grandparents, etc. if you would like to get involved with our first unit, please e-mail or post a question about China, the Chinese people, ducks, or drawing water that you would like Emily to find out the answer to, as these are some of the things we will be learning about. You will then get a special piece of snail mail from Emily answering your question! I think this will be very fun for her. :)

Stay tuned for pictures of Emily after we went school-supply shopping this past Monday!

Emily Sings Praise and Worship--- Kind-Of!

Emily and I were in Wal-Mart today, and she was singing this with gusto, over and over again:

"David, the way of the Lord!"

Ummm... okay :)...

I asked her if she meant "Prepare ye the way of the Lord!" and she looked at me like I was crazy. :)

"No, Mom," she said, "It's 'David, the way of the Lord!'"

It was soooooo funny!!

Mac and MacKenzie

I am still recovering from the D & C on Friday, but must say it has been a much better experience than my first one (physically). The worst part this time was the vomiting after I left the hospital Friday evening--- I threw open my car door in the pharmacy drive-thru and puked, and then on our street, which is very hilly, I barely got the car door open in time and puked five big times in a row. Just thought I'd share... :)

Anyway, God has continued to be with us as we grieve, although I have tried to stay busy (physically as much as I can, and definitely mentally) and sometimes feel numb. Sunday morning at church I pretty much lost it as soon as I opened the door. I was afraid I was embarrassing my husband and I felt embarrassed for myself, and I did my best to hold it together, then stayed home that night. When Josh and I talked about it over lunch, he reassured me that I in no way embarrassed him, and that he was so glad I was there. He used our loss as the basis of his sermon that morning, with the hope that it would instill hope, comfort, and faith in the hearts of our people when they face things. He called it "The God of Restoration, Part 2". He did a great job showing how real God can be to us and how God understands where we are at. He shared some of the conversations he and I have had lately, such as when I asked him, "Why did God let us get pregnant just to lose the baby?" I ran into one of our church members in Wal-Mart today, and she shared that she lost five babies before she had her two living boys, and that she asked the exact same question when she was suffering. It is amazing that sometimes as Christians we feel the need to hide our struggles of faith, when we all have them! As a pastor's wife, I feel like I walk a delicate line between showing my church people I am a real person and keeping a lot of things to myself for the sake of my people. But, anyway...

When I told Josh I just didn't understand my breaking down because I had felt okay emotionally before church, then lost it when I hit the church doors, he said something that is probably true. He said it was probably the Holy Spirit's presence being heavy there, because there were people inside who had been praying for us all this time. What he said rang true in my spirit, so I thank God.

Now, on to Mac and MacKenzie!:

We named our baby on Friday, while we were in the hospital waiting for them to take me into surgery. The whole time I had been pregnant, I had been toying with the idea of naming the baby MacKenzie if it was a girl, after my father, Mac, who passed away on June 7th, 2008. I thought about other names, but always came back to MacKenzie. So, on Friday, I asked Josh what he thought about that being the baby's name. He was immediately fine with it. It is technically a girl's and boy's name, I told him, so it would fit no matter which sex the baby is. And I told him how no matter how many other names I thought of, no other name seemed right... MacKenzie seemed to be this baby's name from the beginning. Then I told him this: The thought had crossed my mind that I wasn't sure I wanted to "waste" the name MacKenzie on a child who wouldn't be here on Earth, but then had immediately stopped myself--- because just because this child isn't here on Earth doesn't mean it has any less value! And a tender picture kept coming to me and bringing me comfort: When my father went to Heaven on June 7th, two of my babies were there to meet him. He left a grandchild here on Earth, his "Little Emms", but he was met by two more grandchildren--- two no one here has gotten to meet yet! And when this baby went to Heaven, guess who met him/her? My father!! Grampy was there to meet this baby!! And I knew then that this baby had to be MacKenzie. Mac and MacKenzie are in Heaven together, with two of MacKenzie's siblings! How awesome!!

Thank you, God.

Baby Update #5 (Final)

God was with us yesterday.

He was with us in the way we were able to make it through the ultrasound, where the tech didn't say anything this time, but we could see there was an even bigger gestational sac (measuring eight weeks and five days) and still no baby...

He was with us back out in the waiting room, where we knew it was "over", yet had to wait like everyone else to see Dr. Nelson, for the "official word" and the next steps.

He was with us as we were able to calmly ask questions and answer questions and make the necessary plans for my D & C tommorrow.

He was with us as we went straight from there to church where my husband had to preach.

He held us together, and I'm thankful.

They will start my pre-op stuff at 10:00am tommorrow, and Dr. Nelson will begin the D & C at about noon. Once again, please keep us in your prayers. My last (and first) experience with a D & C when we lost our first baby was not a good one for me--- plus I hate being "put under"--- so, I am dreading not only the emotional aspect, but the physical one, as well. However, I have heard that Dr. Nelson is excellent at this procedure, so I'm counting on having an easier experience this time!

Even though a Blighted Ovum is a "random accident", since I've now lost three babies, Dr. Nelson is going to do some testing to make sure there isn't something specific contributing to me miscarrying. She is also going to put me on some more drugs to hopefully prevent me from miscarrying again. I do think she is an excellent, and very thorough, doctor. Even though the prospect of losing another baby terrifies me, Josh and I plan to continue trying for a bigger family as soon as I am allowed.

I know people sometimes think it is easier for you when you miscarry, but already have a living child... I'm not sure we can adequately measure any woman's (or couple's) pain, nor is it a competition, anyway, but I will say having Emily makes Josh and I know what we are missing out on with our other three babies. And that this miscarriage hurts as much as our first, before we had Emily. That being said, she is such a comfort to us, and I know so many people long to be parents here on Earth, and never get the chance, so I humbly thank God for the opportunity.

Thanks again for loving us!

Walk in What You Know

I wanted to take a minute today before our doctor's appointment to share something that touched me yesterday.

Josh and I watched a DVD called "A Piece of My Mind" by Christian comedian Chonda Pierce last night. We had gone to LifeWay in the afternoon and I got the DVD (for $2.00, by the way, using a special coupon... I love a bargain!) because I was desperate to laugh.

Well, Chonda mixes humor with sharing some of her own experiences, and she talked about going through a bout of bad depression. Then she said something that I've heard before, but that touched me in a new way. She said, "You walk in what you know, not what you feel."

It's a simple statement, but one I needed to hear so badly. And it echoes some of the sweet things my family and friends have said to me lately. So...

I choose to walk in what I know, not what I feel. And here is what I know:

God is for me, not against me. He loves me with an everlasting love, no matter what. He understands my anger and my questions, even though I have no right to be angry with Him or question Him. Satan wants me to doubt God's love for me, but I won't do it. God proved His love for me long ago, on a wooden cross, even though He knew I would do so many things to hurt Him. If He never did another thing to prove His love for me, that would be more than enough... yet, He does... every day. He owes me nothing--- I owe Him everything. If He has taken my baby to Heaven, He has His reasons. I don't know them, but I know He has them. And I trust Him. He listens to my anger and my questions, and He understands my struggling. He knows I'm human. He just wants to be the One I cling to. He asks one thing of me: to not turn my back on Him. And I won't.

I will walk in what I know, not what I feel.

Emily Cuts Her Hair!

Okay, so I think every kid does this at some point, but I was still shocked!

All weekend, whenever she's had the chance, Emily has been working on her "projects"--- a name she came up with to describe the act of coloring pages in her Cinderella coloring book and then cutting them out very carefully around the shape of the characters with her little safety scissors. She has been doing this primarily in my bedroom.

Well, this morning, after getting off the phone with my Mom (Emily had been in and out of the living room where I was during the call), I went to my bedroom and happened to see a curly lock of hair on the floor. I recognized it immediately, and picking it up confirmed my fear--- Emily had cut her hair! Panicking, I looked around for other evidence, and was relieved to find that it was the only piece. I then proceeded to call Emily to come into the room, and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Emily, what is this?"

Emily: "I don't know."

Me: "Emily, did you cut your hair?"

Emily: "I don't know."

Me: "Emily, tell me the truth. Did you use your scissors to cut your hair?"

Emily: "I don't know."

We were really getting somewhere here...

Me: "Emily, it would have been better if you would have told me the truth. I'm taking away your scissors and you can't do your projects for a while."

Emily: Cries.

She soon admitted she did it. I made her go a little while without her scissors/projects, then gave them back and told her if she ever cut her hair again, the scissors were going in the trash. I told her I knew she was probably just curious (she LOVES going to the hairdresser and getting her hair cut!), but God gave her her hair, and she could not just decide to cut it herself. Needless to say, my wisdom was a little on the fly (spur of the moment), since I hadn't had time to prepare. :) (By the way, the lock of hair was saved for her Baby Book, of course, with a note describing the crime!)

Daddy and Emily

Yesterday, after our doctor's appointment, I couldn't wait to get home to my little girl. The church ladies that had been babysitting for us had beaten us back to the house (they had taken her to the park and McDonald's for a day of fun), and Emily was enjoying her riding toys when we pulled into the driveway. Emily asked Daddy to take her for a wagon ride after the ladies left, and, of course, Daddy didn't let his baby down! Watching them, I thanked God for our happy, healthy little girl. I am so glad I am her Mama and she is my baby.

This was really a happy scream, although it doesn't look like it! :)

Poor baby doll. This was my favorite doll from when I was little. As you can see, her seatbelt is not meeting today's safety standards!

Ready to ride!

Emily and her baby!

Daddy and HIS baby!

Emily and Cinderella at the Ball

Emily wanted to get in her Cinderella dress and dance with the princess herself, so of course, Mama had to get pictures! :) These were taken this past Saturday.

"Snow" Place Like Home!

On Sunday morning, March 1st, we got our first (and only, so far!) snow of the season!! It was Emily's first time seeing snow, and although it only stayed for a few hours, it was long enough for her to enjoy getting to throw a snowball at Mama! :) Thanks to her Daddy for telling her to do it!

Here is part of our front yard.

Here is a view from our front walk. It shows our driveway and then our street as you turn right out of the driveway. It was so pretty!

Here is our front yard and the house directly across the street.

Here is our back patio, looking out to our backyard. We are in the process of tearing down the fire pit. Our property actually extends to the tree line, not just to the fenced-in area.

Here is Josh's car, covered! :) (For the Kruses reading this, that's Gram's 1995 Honda Accord!)

Celebrating Our 7th Anniversary

My mom was so sweet to us on our anniversary this year! First, she babysat Saturday, Febrauary 28th so we could have an all-day date. Josh and I had an early dinner at an awesome restaurant called The Crescent City Grill (I had the best fish I've ever had in my entire life!), went to the movies and saw "Taken", and then ended the evening with a night at The Meridian Little Theatre, where we saw a live production of "Driving Miss Daisy". Basically, we did our three favorite things that are impossible to do with a preschooler! :) On our ACTUAL anniversary, March 2nd, we went to our next-door neighbor's funeral and then to the OB, where we got our bad news about the baby... so, it was not a good day. Thank goodness we celebrated on Saturday. What was really sweet, though, is while we were at the doctor, my mom was setting up a special surprise dinner for us at our dining room table. Her plan was to cook for us when we got home, and then take Emily and give us some "alone time". When we got back from the doctor, we told her the news and the three of us were heartbroken together. A church member picked up Emily so my mom could take care of me and my hubby, and we asked my mom to stay after cooking the meal (instead of leaving us alone) and eat with us. So, that's what she did. The meal was great, complete with cheesecake for dessert (our favorite), and though it was a sad night, my mom's love for us was precious.

Here Josh and I are on Saturday, ready for our all-day date!

Grammy's Visit

My mom (better known as Grammy!) came to visit February 27th - March 3rd. We had a wonderful time with her and she and Emily had lots of special alone time together. The visit went by way too fast, as usual, and we can't wait until she comes back! Here are some cute pictures of Grammy and Emily after we picked Grammy up from the airport.

Baby Update #4

We went for another ultrasound yesterday, and it still appears the baby is a Blighted Ovum. The gestational sac grew appropriately again (measuring seven weeks and five days this time), but they still could not find a yolk sac, fetal pole, etc.

We are devastated. Last week was really rough, as we struggled to have faith that everything would be okay, and yet our emotions and hope flip-flopped all week long. Yesterday and today, I think we are just plain grieving.

My husband is such a rock at times like this and I continue to be amazed by his faith and thank God for him. Yesterday, I admitted to him that I am mad at God, and he talked to me about how he is confused, too, but not mad... because, he said, he knows God is allowing this for a reason--- a reason that is best for the baby or us, even though we don't know what that reason is... and that he knows God has not "taken away" our baby, because we will get to spend eternity with him/her. And when my husband said it, it had no ring of the cliche' people use all the time ("God has a reason; everything happens for a reason"). I told him I just don't understand why God would let us become pregant, just to lose the baby again. "Why not just not let us get pregnant?", I asked. My husband's response was precious. He said he would rather us get pregnant and lose the baby here on Earth, but get him/her for eternity, than not get pregnant and therefore not have the baby at all. My husband's ability to trust God far surpasses mine, I assure you. It is something I admire deeply.

One reason it means so much to me is because I know how very badly he wants this baby. Josh is simply an amazing father with a heart for his children that some men just have no concept of. He is incredible.

Please continue to pray for us. I once again refused a D & C for now, and Dr. Nelson was very understanding and supportive. We are going to have another (probably final) ultrasound next Wednesday, March 18th at 3:30pm. We just don't ever want to have to wonder.

At that point, if the diagnosis is the same, we will probably agree for a D & C to be done soon. To be honest, I am in pure emotional agony and physical exhaustion right now, because I am experiencing pregnancy symptoms like crazy, and it is a constant reminder that I should be growing a baby and holding him/her in my arms in a few months--- but am not. And it is hard to ACCEPT that I am not, because I am going through everything a pregnant woman does, but even more so... Dr. Nelson said that with a Blighted Ovum, your body keeps thinking you are pregnant and has even higher HCG levels than someone else at the same stage of pregnancy, so symptoms are heightened, etc. She knows the emotional torture this causes and suggested I go ahead with a D & C for these reasons, but was very understanding when I told her I am not ready and said she didn't want to push me into anything. There is still a chance I could miscarry on my own, which would, of course, make the decision for me.

We really appreciate all of our family and friends and your love and concern for us. And though I am, honestly, struggling with being mad at God, I still (and always will) say:

"Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be His Name

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be his Glorious Name

He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away

Still my heart will choose to say
Blessed be His Name."

Baby Update #3--- Please Pray for Us

Hi, Everyone.

This is an update I don't want to write, so bear with me.

We went for our ultrasound yesterday (our 7th wedding anniversary, of all days!), and my gestational sac measured six weeks and four days (had grown appropriately), but they still could not find a yolk sac.

Dr. Nelson declared it a Blighted Ovum, a type of miscarriage in which there is a problem with either the sperm or the egg, and the baby does not develop like it should.

She gave us a few choices: I could have a D & C yesterday afternoon; have one later in the week; or give my body a chance to miscarry naturally sometime this week (and if the bleeding became too heavy, I would go to the ER and they would do a D & C), and if I didn't miscarry on my own, have a D & C probably next week.

Josh asked if we could have one more ultrasound next week, and she said certainly, for our peace of mind, and she respected that.

So, next Monday at 11:30am we go for our final ultrasound. Josh and I just want to be sure they are right before we let them do a D & C. We don't ever want to have to wonder.

Our hearts are broken, and we would like to ask our family and friends to pray for us. We wanted this baby so badly.

It still feels unreal, and we need God's comfort and peace. We trust He is carrying out His will, even though we don't understand it, and probably never will this side of Heaven.

Thank you for loving us! And also please pray for us to have wisdom in how to explain it to Emily (who doesn't know anything is wrong yet).