Mac and MacKenzie

I am still recovering from the D & C on Friday, but must say it has been a much better experience than my first one (physically). The worst part this time was the vomiting after I left the hospital Friday evening--- I threw open my car door in the pharmacy drive-thru and puked, and then on our street, which is very hilly, I barely got the car door open in time and puked five big times in a row. Just thought I'd share... :)

Anyway, God has continued to be with us as we grieve, although I have tried to stay busy (physically as much as I can, and definitely mentally) and sometimes feel numb. Sunday morning at church I pretty much lost it as soon as I opened the door. I was afraid I was embarrassing my husband and I felt embarrassed for myself, and I did my best to hold it together, then stayed home that night. When Josh and I talked about it over lunch, he reassured me that I in no way embarrassed him, and that he was so glad I was there. He used our loss as the basis of his sermon that morning, with the hope that it would instill hope, comfort, and faith in the hearts of our people when they face things. He called it "The God of Restoration, Part 2". He did a great job showing how real God can be to us and how God understands where we are at. He shared some of the conversations he and I have had lately, such as when I asked him, "Why did God let us get pregnant just to lose the baby?" I ran into one of our church members in Wal-Mart today, and she shared that she lost five babies before she had her two living boys, and that she asked the exact same question when she was suffering. It is amazing that sometimes as Christians we feel the need to hide our struggles of faith, when we all have them! As a pastor's wife, I feel like I walk a delicate line between showing my church people I am a real person and keeping a lot of things to myself for the sake of my people. But, anyway...

When I told Josh I just didn't understand my breaking down because I had felt okay emotionally before church, then lost it when I hit the church doors, he said something that is probably true. He said it was probably the Holy Spirit's presence being heavy there, because there were people inside who had been praying for us all this time. What he said rang true in my spirit, so I thank God.

Now, on to Mac and MacKenzie!:

We named our baby on Friday, while we were in the hospital waiting for them to take me into surgery. The whole time I had been pregnant, I had been toying with the idea of naming the baby MacKenzie if it was a girl, after my father, Mac, who passed away on June 7th, 2008. I thought about other names, but always came back to MacKenzie. So, on Friday, I asked Josh what he thought about that being the baby's name. He was immediately fine with it. It is technically a girl's and boy's name, I told him, so it would fit no matter which sex the baby is. And I told him how no matter how many other names I thought of, no other name seemed right... MacKenzie seemed to be this baby's name from the beginning. Then I told him this: The thought had crossed my mind that I wasn't sure I wanted to "waste" the name MacKenzie on a child who wouldn't be here on Earth, but then had immediately stopped myself--- because just because this child isn't here on Earth doesn't mean it has any less value! And a tender picture kept coming to me and bringing me comfort: When my father went to Heaven on June 7th, two of my babies were there to meet him. He left a grandchild here on Earth, his "Little Emms", but he was met by two more grandchildren--- two no one here has gotten to meet yet! And when this baby went to Heaven, guess who met him/her? My father!! Grampy was there to meet this baby!! And I knew then that this baby had to be MacKenzie. Mac and MacKenzie are in Heaven together, with two of MacKenzie's siblings! How awesome!!

Thank you, God.