Baby Update #4

We went for another ultrasound yesterday, and it still appears the baby is a Blighted Ovum. The gestational sac grew appropriately again (measuring seven weeks and five days this time), but they still could not find a yolk sac, fetal pole, etc.

We are devastated. Last week was really rough, as we struggled to have faith that everything would be okay, and yet our emotions and hope flip-flopped all week long. Yesterday and today, I think we are just plain grieving.

My husband is such a rock at times like this and I continue to be amazed by his faith and thank God for him. Yesterday, I admitted to him that I am mad at God, and he talked to me about how he is confused, too, but not mad... because, he said, he knows God is allowing this for a reason--- a reason that is best for the baby or us, even though we don't know what that reason is... and that he knows God has not "taken away" our baby, because we will get to spend eternity with him/her. And when my husband said it, it had no ring of the cliche' people use all the time ("God has a reason; everything happens for a reason"). I told him I just don't understand why God would let us become pregant, just to lose the baby again. "Why not just not let us get pregnant?", I asked. My husband's response was precious. He said he would rather us get pregnant and lose the baby here on Earth, but get him/her for eternity, than not get pregnant and therefore not have the baby at all. My husband's ability to trust God far surpasses mine, I assure you. It is something I admire deeply.

One reason it means so much to me is because I know how very badly he wants this baby. Josh is simply an amazing father with a heart for his children that some men just have no concept of. He is incredible.

Please continue to pray for us. I once again refused a D & C for now, and Dr. Nelson was very understanding and supportive. We are going to have another (probably final) ultrasound next Wednesday, March 18th at 3:30pm. We just don't ever want to have to wonder.

At that point, if the diagnosis is the same, we will probably agree for a D & C to be done soon. To be honest, I am in pure emotional agony and physical exhaustion right now, because I am experiencing pregnancy symptoms like crazy, and it is a constant reminder that I should be growing a baby and holding him/her in my arms in a few months--- but am not. And it is hard to ACCEPT that I am not, because I am going through everything a pregnant woman does, but even more so... Dr. Nelson said that with a Blighted Ovum, your body keeps thinking you are pregnant and has even higher HCG levels than someone else at the same stage of pregnancy, so symptoms are heightened, etc. She knows the emotional torture this causes and suggested I go ahead with a D & C for these reasons, but was very understanding when I told her I am not ready and said she didn't want to push me into anything. There is still a chance I could miscarry on my own, which would, of course, make the decision for me.

We really appreciate all of our family and friends and your love and concern for us. And though I am, honestly, struggling with being mad at God, I still (and always will) say:

"Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be His Name

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be his Glorious Name

He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away

Still my heart will choose to say
Blessed be His Name."